Morning Milk

by Jimmy on January 21, 2010

Synopsis:  An ordinary man follows an unordinary routine to get ready in the morning. As his alarm wakes him and he drags himself to the bathroom, something unexpected awaits behind the mirror of his medicine cabinet. Likewise, something unexpected will await his co-worker later that day.

Making the movie (spoiler alert, please watch video first, then read):  I was the first person to think Muscle Milk was funny.  Yes, me.  The very sound, Muscle Milk, is so amusingly complex.  It is so masculine.  So over the top.  So childishly warm sounding like Ovaltine.  So alliterative.  I knew I had to make a video of what I imagined Muscle Milk could do for me.  After all, Muscle Milk makes dreams come true on an entirely personal level.  For some people it might make their pecks bigger or get them that promotion to associate manager.  For me, it would make me manlier in the most Neanderthal sense of the word.  It would grow me chest hair.  If any of you know me, I have an infatuation with hair.  I can’t grow a mustache.  I can only grow a damn foo man chu, Billy goat thing under my chin.  Yet, my dad has a beautiful, manly mustache.  I don’t have chest hair.  Well, yes I do.  Maybe 75 tiny hairs.  I know because I made my wife count and give names to all of them one night.  But these tiny things don’t show up on camera and are only discernible to the human eye in the right light.  Anyways, these types of protein drinks sell themselves as a panacea to all your insecurities and having beautiful chest hair is one of mine.  

The movie was shot with the help of my beautiful, but sometimes impatient wife.  For beginning movie makers who have a girlfriend or are married, these women will be your late night life line to movie success.  Just don’t expect to have them do more than 2 takes of any one shot.  I normally don’t write down what I want or storyboard anything.  The images run themselves ragged inside my mind over and over and over again until I decide to put it on video.  I knew I wanted to do a morning scene because I wanted to start the short movie off slowly.  I didn’t want the viewer to be instantly gratified like with most things in life.  They have to experience the ride and enjoy every part of it.  The shot of me waking up was actually filmed in the evening.  For a few brief minutes every day and in the right light you can do the dusk for dawn switcheroo.  I might have passed that timeframe in this particular shot, but I think the effect still works.  I did not make a conscious choice to have John Mayer wake me up in the morning; rather it was the only decent song playing on the radio at that time.  I usually agonize over details in anything I do but for some reason in this case, I didn’t feel that the alarm song was particularly important.  Yet, afterwards it worked well to show the overt transition from sleepy baby to wild man with chest hair.  The drinking of the Muscle Milk was the best part of making the movie.  It was banana cream flavor and it tasted delicious.  I had never had one of these protein milkshakes before and I expected it to taste like a minerally Pepto Bismol.  But it was wonderful.  Plus, it was lactose free, which is very important for me.  However, I didn’t quite get to enjoy the milkshake in all its glory because for one, I chugged it and secondly, I had to start screaming and ripping off my shirt immediately afterwards.  My wife had only bought me one bottle of Muscle Milk so I had to get the drinking and screaming shot perfect in one take.  Needless to say, I succeeded because I am after all a professional.  Clint Eastwood and Woody Allen are known as two directors who usually get every shot in one or two takes.  Needless to say, I’m their type of actor.  The most uncomfortable part of the whole movie was having honey spread across my chest so that I could put the fake hair on my chest.  The hair was doll’s hair that came from an arts and crafts store.  I was pleased with the look and luster that it gave off when I reviewed the video in post-production.  The honey as paste held up fairly well, but some hair did come flying off during my raging transformation scenes.  The most controversial part of the movie was the tooth-brushing scene.  I thought logically that no man raging on Muscle Milk would ever stop and brush his teeth.  He would be too busy worrying about feeling his new chest hair and/or breaking stuff in his excitement and pain.  Because naturally, growing chest hair hurts like a bitch.   However, my wife insisted that we do the tooth brushing scene and it turned out remarkably well.  For the first few seconds, it may appear to the viewer that I have rabies or that I’ve overdosed on the Muscle Milk.  Plus, the tooth brushing scene was a perfect transition to the office scene with me running away in my boxers.   This scene probably was the only real transition I could do apart from me running out the front door in my boxers.  However, as I mentioned earlier, we made this part at night so it wouldn’t work for a morning scene. 

Fun facts:  My co-worker in the short movie who asks me for the ubiquitous spreadsheets was actually my co-worker at the time at the USDA.  And indeed it was shot at my actual cubicle there.  Go figure!  Her name is Avis Watts-Massenburg.  She was my best friend at the USDA and I spent many hours in her office just talking bullshit.  If you read my bio in this blog, you will understand why I get along so well with middle-aged black women.  We have a connection that is unbreakable and unexplainable.  My appreciation of black women is unadulterated and unabashed.  I am like Jerry Maguire when he screams, “I LOVE THE BLACK MAN.”  Except, replace man with woman.  Anyways, she is a beautiful, strong woman and an unbelievable talent in front of the camera.  The last scene where she takes the spreadsheets and closes the door on me was done in one take.  The subtle double take was totally improvised and spectacular.  She will certainly be in my full-length love story movie set in D.C.  That face of hers belongs on the tizube.

 The Morning Milk title that appears in giant font at the end was an idea copied from how the movie Drag Me to Hell directed by Sam Raimi ended before the movie transitioned into its credits.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Drake January 22, 2010 at 12:00 am

Is it bad that I actually do start off every morning with Muscle Milk? Might explain all of my backhair. Hmm…

2 jimbobmovies January 22, 2010 at 7:52 am

Drake you live a life of squandered potential. You don’t know how much farther you could get in life if you only used your mustache to your advantage. Mustaches open doors. They make your handshake stronger. They make your listening face more believable. They make camping more wild feeling. Especially when you hold the flashlight under your chin while you’re telling a ghost story around the campfire. And now think of the poor people like myself who never have this opportunity.

3 matt January 22, 2010 at 6:11 pm

Haha @ muscle milk in the medicine cabinet. That’s where I keep all of my protein shakes, too.

Sadly, you must’ve thrown away your crazy pills to make room for the bottle. ‘Cuz this video is something a lawyer would play in a courtroom to prove that his client is legally insane. Yeah that’s right Jimmy. You’s cwazy.

4 Milena (and Barry) January 24, 2010 at 2:15 am

Hi Jimbob and Lenah,

Milena and Barry here: Huasna Valley Farm, 2004… Great job on these movies. We watched them all and read all the commentaries and laughed at some and shuddered some- great art, folks! We are currently working with herbs for a big company (which actually prohibits its employees from mentioning it on the web) : Barry makes the extracts and I sell them/answer questions. Recently there was an odd thing that happened that totally jives with your Muscle Milk subject: a well-known TV persona mentioned on his show that a particular herb calms the nerves and thus supports the adrenal glands and thus helps keep belly fat in check… Anyway, all that people got out of that was that if you took this very, very mild nervine you would start shedding pounds like crazy… kind of like drinking milk to grow chest hair, you know. Well, it ain’t gonna work if you wash it down with a super-sized Coke, I say: you won’t be slimmer and you sure as hell won’t be calmer either.

Looking forward to your next movie’s premiere in just a couple of days!

Boogie on,

5 jimbobmovies January 25, 2010 at 4:20 am

This could be a great experiment for someone who is going on their first date. Someone that has had a lot of bad luck with girls especially on first dates and really has nothing to lose. If he is having a girl over for dinner or something at his place, the guy makes sure he stocks up his medicine cabinet with nothing but Muscle Milk “on the run” drinks like the one in the video. Not the powder stuff. Then the girl goes to the bathroom for whatever reason and of course she checks behind the mirror. What happens then my friend? It’s a gamble but well worth it. Maybe there’s also a hidden camera in the bathroom to catch her reaction. And to record her pooping of course. Wait, sorry about that last part.

6 jimbobmovies January 25, 2010 at 4:26 am

Thanks for the support. Those are the two responses I’m looking for when making movies: laughter and shuddering. I figure I have time to practice on how I can make people cry and feel sad after I have a couple short movies under my belt. I want to hear more about this herb company. It’s very intriguing and it sounds like I might just have to invest in some eyeglass video camera technology and do an investigative documentary on this company. I hope you are having a good time with them. I always thought you all should have a farm of your own, but I know you were never interested in it. But, Lenah and I still have that dream somewhere in the back of our minds and hearts. With good, fertile land, you can do anything. Like make a remake of Far and Away, the movie with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

Keep watching and posting comments. I appreciate them.

7 Priscilla January 27, 2010 at 10:30 pm

I love Muscle Milk! The cookies and cream flavor is the best one. It must be some good shit if it can grow hair on an Asian man’s chest! Awesome movie guys!

8 jimbobmovies January 28, 2010 at 7:21 pm

The cookies and cream flavor is good, but the banana flavored one is the only kind that puts chest hair on Asians…that includes Asian woman. So be careful and stay away from the banana flavored one unless you want to be in the circus.

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